BREAKING: Secret Document Reveals ‘Oysters 11’ Bivalve Heist Plans

Hank Sims / Friday, June 7, 2013 @ 1:21 p.m.

Given the level of discomfort and outcry that has surrounded next Saturday’s first-ever Oysterfest admission fee, perhaps the following mysterious and vaguely menacing document — leaked to us by a Friend o’ the LoCO writing from a secure Utah facility — should come as no surprise.

What could it mean? The red lines are no mystery — they represent the cyclone fence that Arcata Main Street will erect to keep out would-be festival freeloaders. But the crudely drawn green arrows? Your guess is as good as ours:

Click the picture to enlarge.

Our source in the NSA LoCO Superfriend said that cell phone “metadata” pointing to the suspect was inconclusive he just didn’t know where the map came from. However, he helpfully attached this cartoon Plaza surveillance footage that he said might provide a clue will unjustly slander and discredit an enemy. [Did I get that right? — Ed.]

Uh, here it is.

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