AS WE SPEAK, your tax dollars are being used to get bloggers drunk. Richard Marks (Samoa Softball), Jen Savage (Early Morning Fog, LoCO) and your Lost Coast Outpost are drinking Maker’s Mark and Skyy Vodka (w/pink grapefruit juice) at the expense of College of the Redwoods’ Police Academy Class. Soon, eager cadets will attempt to judge our progressively deteriorating sobriety levels.

Lost Coast Communications has kindly volunteered my service in exchange for a live blog of the proceedings. The Point’s Andy Powell, a Police Academy veteran drunk, has challenged me to beat his record of 0.24 blood alcohol, which he believes to be an academy record.

We’ll be here ‘til 6 p.m.! LIVE UPDATES FOLLOW:

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UPDATE, 10:04 p.m.: Technically more of a “during” photo than an “after,” but please note the tawdry atmosphere and general hooliganistic demeanor of your correspondent. (Or as Sgt. Allen noted, a general “deviousness.”)

UPDATE, 5:13 p.m.: The cadets specially requested that I get unambiguously hammered this go-round. I have attempted to oblige them. Goddamn it but I cannot get my phone to work. Very sad.

UPDATE, 4:31 p.m.: Second results are in! 

Marks: Four greyhounds = .12

Sims: Four greyhounds = .08

Savage: Two Maker’s Mark = .08

This are rough estimates, seeing as how your Lost Coast Outpost continues to tilt the breathalyzer. But the obvious conclusion is the Richard is freaking sloshed and he can’t hold his liquor.

The other news worth mentioning is that Paul DeMark and Ross Rowley stopped by for a visit but could not be persuaded to drink.

My phone is broke! I can’t figure out how to post new photos! Sorrreeeeeee!

UPDATE, 3:33 p.m.: The instructor, Tom Allen, is kinda frustrated that your Lost Coast Outpost’s powerful lung-wind completely screwed the breathalyzer apparently beyond repair, but in a way he’s stoked, too. He tells the cadets that this is an opportunity to learn about how cops used to do it in the old days, before the new gimcrack machinery.

Awesome! I’ll post a few pictures here soon, but first: We found a deck of cards.

UPDATE, 3:28 p.m.: The first test results are in! Here they are:

Jen Savage, on one ounce of Marker’s Mark, blows a .07.

Richard Marks, on two Greyhounds, blows a .06.

Your Lost Coast Outpost, on two Greyhounds … breaks the fucking machine! No joke!

UPDATE, 2:18 p.m.: Richard Marks dresses for the occasion: