If Mayan predictions are true, the end of the world is nigh. A tiny village in western Turkey, it seems, is exempt. That’s attracting a lot of people, including — according to rumor, at least — one of Hollywood’s biggest stars.  

I was getting my haircut in Kadikoy on Wednesday morning when I overheard thekuaför gossiping: Tom Cruise was coming to Turkey. It was in the newspapers that were scattered on the small table for the waiting customers to read over cups of tea.

“For a new film?” I interrupted.

“No, for the end of the world,” he said. “You know it? December 21? The Mayans?”

Of course I knew what he was talking about. The Hollywood star, Maverick, it seems, is coming to the town of Sirince in Turkey to seek refuge from the end of the Mayan doomsday. Sirince is one of those places identified – by whoever decides such things – as a safe haven. (As an aside, I’ve always wondered, why is it we have never bothered to seek out the Mayans on anything else in the past few millennia, yet take their loin-cloth and huipil- wearing asses at their word on this, the ultimate score? Never mind.)

At the school an hour later, Fethi was upstairs in the canteen reading the newspaper, checking the football scores. “Today is 12 December 2012,” he remarked, with a bemused chuckle. “12-12-12.”

Alas, the times, it seems, are chock full of strange and interesting signs. As Bukowski once observed, we are filling up the prisons and emptying out the madhouses.

Speaking of: “Did you hear Tom Cruise is coming to Turkey?” I asked Fethi.

“Tom Cruise?” He looked up from his newspaper. “Really? A film?”

“No, not a film,” I said. “For the end of the world.”

“Sorry?” Fethi seemed confused for a moment.  

 “Tom Cruise is a Mayan?” he asked.

“Not really, no.” (But this set off a train of thought!)

Fehti caught up. With a wave of his hand, Fethi, a devout Muslim who closes the canteen every Friday morning to go to the mosque, dismissed the Mayans as “rubbish,” and went back to his football scores. Good old Fethi. I have a feeling that even if the world did end, he would still find a way to be open for business, with his fresh tea and toasted sandwiches. He’d probably even have the insider tally on the living and those who are now, as they say, the souls behind lightning.  

Meanwhile, it was a busy morning at the school. We have recently formed a partnership with International House, a well-known school with branches all over the world. The IH inspector was due to arrive that morning to have a look around, talk with teachers and observe lessons. If the world is indeed to end, then it will have to wait until after the inspection. We won’t even have the final report of the inspection until at least mid-January. And besides, think how much the school has already spent on the downstairs renovation. It looks nice, too! In these tough fiscal times, we can’t let money go to waste, people! Fiscal Cliff! Fiscal Cliff doesn’t care much for ancient prophesies. In fact, I think Fiscal Cliff votes right most of the time, and is not haunted by our own strange and terrible fantasies. It only cares about brinksmanship on its own terms, which are green and red.

Anyway, surely we are allowed a little while to enjoy the downstairs redesign. After all, teachers alone can save nations, as the Great Kemal Ataturk said. If we can save nations, then we can certainly enjoy our new space until – let’s say until the late spring. By then the upstairs renovations will be done too, and the meteorites and tidal waves can come and have it all in one fell swoop. I mean, if you’re going to have wholesale destruction, you might as well do it right, right?

 While I was waiting to meet the inspector, I did some quick research on this promised land, Sirince. For those who don’t know it, Sirince is a tiny village of about 600 in the west of Turkey in the Izmir province. According to Wikipedia, “Sirince was settled when Ephesus was abandoned in the 15th century but most of what one sees today dates from the 19th century. There is a story that the village was settled by freed Greek slaves who named the village Çirkince (meaning ‘Ugly’ in Turkish) to deter others from following them.^[1] The village’s name was changed to Şirince (meaning ‘Pleasant’) in 1926 by the governor of Izmir Province.^[1]” I’ll leave it to those on the professional irony circuit to have a go at that one.  

Actually I cursed myself for not having taken a few days off and gone down to take in the scene. It’s the kind of thing that Raoul Duke would do. You know, get in the Great Red Shark with a pint of whiskey, a bag of grass and a suitcase full of illegal substances, and drive on down to where all the pilgrims of the world arrive, bloody and half-insane, while the rest of the world sinks back into the mantle. What a story!

And just think! All this time, while I have been here in Istanbul, the apocalyptic, doomed mega-city, I could have been down in Sirince with not a care in the world. I could be hanging out with Tom Cruise. He could, at this precise moment, be giving me the low down on when the Mother Ship will arrive, taking us all back to the Source. God forbid, the Mayans could be wrong, and we are still around on December 22, when, as some say, the rest of the world awakes into a brave new world of peace and enlightenment. Either way, I shall surely be kicking myself. To miss such a chance, to have T.C. really lay it on me, man. Perhaps in Sirince he will indeed, as Fehti suggested, unveil his true identity as Mayan Re-incarnate. I see him now, standing proudly in his loin cloth, perhaps a plume of feathers on his handsome head, the sun shining as Great Truths emit from the Mayan Re-incarnate T.C., and all of the pilgrims gathered in Sirince gather to kiss his golden feet …

… But enough of this daydream, this frolic, this fantasy. It’s time for my appointment with the inspector, and after that classes to teach. The work must go on. One thing I will say for the Mayans though, is at least they had the sense to end the world on a Friday. That’s what I call real style. But the question begs: If the world does end on Dec. 21, then where does that leave the Messiah? Wait, maybe he’s Tom Cruise too. Maybe T.C. has great range and power as an actor: now that would truly be a revelation.   

Ed. note: While rumors of Tom Cruise going to Turkey have been reported in the Turkish press this past week, as of Sunday, there has been no official confirmation that Tom Cruise will be there.

James Tressler was a reporter for the Times-Standard. His books, including “Conversations in Prague” and “The Trumpet Fisherman and Other Istanbul Sketches,” are available at Amazon.com and Lulu.com. He lives in Istanbul.