(Above: Dennis Mayo saves the day.)

Welcome to your Lost Coast Outpost’s 2013 Kinetic Grand Championship coverage. Here you’ll find race photos, updates and gossip all sorted by sculpture. Unlike some other media outlets, we promise to not gloss over the seedy underbelly we all know the kinetic world to have. Bookmark this page if you’re savvy.

Now, on to the kinetic kolor …

PAC MAN

What LoCO knows: Note the cherry machine that drives out front of Pac Man motivating it to glory.

What KHUM is concealing: Despite all the attention Pac Man gets, Ms. Pac Man is actually a superior game. KHUM ain’t gamers, so they wouldn’t know that.

UPDATE: Pac Man ran into some trouble in the dunes and was one of a few sculptures that got a courtesy tow from Humboldt County’s favorite Republican Dennis Mayo and horse (see photo at the top of this post).

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HELL ON WHEELS

What LoCO knows: Former “Funguys” have turned their attentions to piloting the world’s largest stagecoach. Surely, this thing won’t break down.

UPDATE: It broke down. See the Vine below.

What KHUM is concealing: Brian “Funguy” Slayton has hidden a keg somewhere on his person. 

 

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INSPECTOR 420

What LoCO knows: Ken Beidelman’s Pink Panther-themed sculpture has a theme song, see if you can pick out the tune. It goes, “Dead ant … dead ant … dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dean ant, dead aaaaaaaaant …”

What KHUM is concealing: Ants can carry 50 times their own weight. That’s freaky.

UPDATE: As expected, they’re really milking that Pink Panther theme song.

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POST APOCALYPTIC COCKROACH

What LoCO knows: Formally known as Tempus Fugitives, this group of rebels can hold their heads high as the 2011 Kinetic Grand Champions. Also, they throw great/terrifying parties. 

UPDATE: The speedy Cockroach was the second team to cross the Day 1 finish line. 

What KHUM is concealing: Your “radio without the rules” is too reserved to party with this crew. 

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THE UNDERGROUND GNOME

What LoCO knows: Peter William Wagner aka The Kinetic Gnome has utilized cutting edge bounce technology in years past. This year, it’s hamster wheel time.

What KHUM is concealing: The “Gnome” is actually just an average sized human male with a beard. KHUM also still believes in Santa Claus.

UPDATE: While most sculptures play it safe these days going down Dead Man’s Drop — which sucks, ‘cuz it means no wrecks — we did catch the Gnome falling over. (See Vine below.)

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CHAIN GANG

What LoCO knows: Engineered by brothers Bob and Scott Campbell, this kontraption utilizes 36 feet of chain.

What KHUM is concealing: They are only willing to report on 35 feet. 

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THE CAT IS OUT OF THE BAG

What LoCO knows: Built with Longmont, Colo. kinetic race in mind, expect the grueling Humboldt Course to be the rocking chair leg that makes this kitty yelp for mercy.  

What KHUM is concealing: Fleas.

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SURF’S UP

What LoCO knows: Talk about an endless summer! This sculpture first tested the waters way back in 1987!

What KHUM is concealing: You want to know where the good surf spots are? KHUM surfer-in-residence Mike Dronkers ain’t tellin’. LoCO’s Hank Sims on the the other hand …

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BETTY’S CHARIOT OF CHARITY

What LoCO knows: This McKinleyville High School machine races to raise awareness for the work of local do-gooder Betty Chinn. Adorbs Award secured. 

What KHUM is concealing: KHUM does not support helping other humans. Period.

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MELVIN

What LoCO knows: The 2012 Kinetic Grand Champion — and four time overall champ — has been racing for 83 years and has ACED the course on 61 separate occasions. Math! 

What KHUM is concealing: Your trusted radio race information station will try to tell you that the race is only 45 years old and thus Melvin could not have that many races under its belt. Stop playing with the numbers, you guys. 

UPDATE: Melvin is the first sculpture across the Day 2 finish line at Crab Park.

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FLATMO’S SIVER DRAGON

What LoCO knows: Kinetic racing’s biggest celebrity Duane Flatmo resurrects an oldie-but-a-goodie to compete in his 31st kompetition. See Duane’s kreative process by klicking here. 

What KHUM is concealing: “Duane Flatmo” and “T. Great Razooly” are one and the same.

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IRON HORSE

What LoCO knows: Built in 2011 for Burning Man, this rig has been stripped down from its original drug-fueled rave accessory beginnings to better suit kinetic race requirements. 

What KHUM is concealing: You know how things get set on fire at Burning Man? Nothing like that happens around here.

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JUNE’S NEW SHOE

What LoCO knows: A girl can never have too many shoes.

What KHUM is concealing: How “new” is this shoe, really?

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GONE FISHIN’

What LoCO knows: Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and maybe he’ll ACE.

What KHUM is concealing: Fish don’t feel pain, KHUM?! Really, you monsters?!

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KINETIC PARANORMAL SOCIETY

What LoCO knows: The Kinetic Grand Championship’s personal rolling puppet show.

What KHUM is concealing: KHUM calls ‘em socks. Excuse me those are puppets, you uncultured ruffians.

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PRICKLE

What LoCO knows: If you must pet this machine, only do so moving your hand from front to back. It is a porcupine, afterall.

What KHUM is concealing: Our friends in radio land falsely reported that Prickle is a marsupial. That’s possums, morons!

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SMS LADY LUCK

What LoCO knows: Arr!

What KHUM is concealing: Arr.

UPDATE: Arr?

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DAFT JUNK

What LoCO knows: The engineers of this sculpture only began construction on it five days prior to the race. Let’s see if they can make it five miles. 

What KHUM is concealing: KHUM would have you believe the name of this sculpture is derived from a love of the music of Fatboy Slim. Not so!

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VISUALIZE WHIRLED PEAS

What LoCO knows: It’s a pun.

UPDATE: VWP was the first sculpture across the Day 1 finish line.

What KHUM is concealing: No, in this instance they are just as  pun disgusted as we are. Temporary truce, guys.

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ATHLETE’S FOOT

What LoCO knows: Last years Bigfoot sculpture has been shaved into 400 pounds of giant, infected stink.

What KHUM is concealing: Check between those toes.

UPDATE: Athlete’s Foot made one of the slowest descents down Dead Man’s Drop in recent memory. A member of their pit crew bravely put herself between the giant sculpture and gravity to manually turn the front wheel. Cray cray.  

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MISS TICKLE

What LoCO knows: This machine features lever-controlled fuzzies manned by the Creature Quads team. They don’t bite.

What KHUM is concealing: This creatures is actually the love child of Hobart and Falcor from the Neverending Story. Why can’t we talk about that, huh?

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HAWK

What LoCO knows: Miss Tickle’s partner in crime and cuteness.

What KHUM is concealing: This one bites.

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PEAR COUNTY CHOPPER

What LoCO knows: Orange County Choppers? Ha! In Lake County — this machine’s birthplace — they grow pears. So naturally …

What KHUM is concealing: 

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WALDO

What LoCO knows: Where’s this sculpture?

What KHUM is concealing: KHUM claims to have found Waldo. They speak lies.

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BANANA SPLIT

What LoCO knows: Built from 90% recycled materials and featuring all the toppings.

What KHUM is concealing: These are not fair trade bananas.

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LOTECNOTEC

What LoCO knows: John Comeau’s lotecnotec takes a minimalist approach to sculpturing. Damn economy.

What KHUM is concealing: Due to its no frills approach, this sculpture is a favorite of KHUM DJ Larry Trask. If you think he is being impartial when reporting on its exploits, you have been fooled.

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COUNTER CULTURE

What LoCO knows: What did we hear? Something about this sculpture being this guy’s senior project? And he got an “A” too? Badass!

What KHUM is concealing: Actually, we heard that on KHUM. So …

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LICENCE TO KILT

What LoCO knows: One man, two skates. 

What KHUM is concealing: Not a lot you could conceal here, really.

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BIG RED

What LoCO knows: It’s big and red. And a tricycle.

What KHUM is concealing: Corporate radio will not tell you about this sculpture’s sweetheart six-figure sponsorship deal with a certain brand of gum. We’re on it, though. Follow the money.

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TOON TAXI

What LoCO knows: Coming to us from the proud Port Townsend kinetic world, the machine was built by Team-Y-Knot.

What KHUM is concealing: Those fares are pretty steep.

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WAR AND DEATH

What LoCO knows: Two of the four horsemen of the apocalypse endorse this sculpture.

What KHUM is concealing: Oddly, the other two Horsemen support Betty Chinn’s sculpture.

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VELO CRAB

What LoCO knows: Pinchy!

What KHUM is concealing: This crab was pulled out of the water despite being underweight. It’s truly amazing its made it this long.

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THE DINOSAUR

What LoCO knows: Kinetic Dinosaurs are not extinct!

What KHUM is concealing: Actual Dinosaurs are extinct.

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???

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STILL IN THE RACE

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PIZZA PARTY

What LoCO knows: This sculpture comes with everything on it.

What KHUM is concealing: KHUM is bogarting the napkins.

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SPRUCE DEUCE

What LoCO knows: Not much.

What KHUM is concealing: You guys got anything?

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