As I arose for work this morning, I was relieved to know two things.

One: I was not wanted by the cops for stealing an airplane from my former professor Marcy Burstiner. That was just a dream.

Two: Today is bagel day.

“Stop hitting the snooze button you idiot; you’re an adult,” I told myself. “Hurry, or you’ll get stuck with the icky bagel with raisins in it.”

Motivated by the memory of bagels past, I shucked myself from a cocoon of blankets and trudged to the little journalist’s room.

That’s when I found myself trapped in the bathroom with a mutant spider waiting for its chance to pounce and wrap its long, wispy legs around my face and drink my life force.

“What the fuck is that?,” I laughed as I sat helplessly sealed to the toilet. “What, the, FUCK, is that?”

Here’s where you come in Humboldt. What the fuck is that?