Here you go.

If the NCAA required college mascots to reflect a school’s physical surroundings or culture, or at least what drives the local economy … Humboldt State would be the Weed Farmers instead of the Lumberjacks. 

Entering the 7,000–seat stadium through the west tunnel is like entering a movie pitch for Friday Night Lights meets Apocalypse Now.

Redwoods surround the gridiron like sentries; some of them so close that an errant spiral can chip bark off the endangered giants.

The Saturday night faithful and their scenic stadium, sunk in the woods of the planet Endor, are but two of the enticements for high school players who have one glaring shortcoming (usually lack of size or exposure) yet want to play college ball.

The cloud that follows them to their seats is not a puffy cumulus of the Cheech and Chong variety, but a wispy cirrus of the kind that might have swirled around Barry Obama’s head in the late ‘70s.

The musicians, most of them afflicted with severe bedhead, perform a brief musical that pits Donald Trump’s combover against Bernie Sanders’s white coiffure.