Today the Outpost is pleased to launch the Internet’s newest feature — CC’D! This occasional column will feature the best of the best of the stuff that winds up in our inbox unsolicited.

In our first installment, Pine Hill resident Beau Hopkins wonders why the county’s road work on Union Street through Pine Hill has taken so damn long. He heckles the Humboldt County Department of Public Works with an impressive series of sub-Catskillian gibes. And he gets a civil and informative response! Everyone wins.

Now read on…

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From: Beau Hopkins
To: Tom Matson, Humboldt County Director of Public Works
      Tony Seghetti, Deputy Director of Public Works 
Sent: Thursday, September 17, 2015, 11:48 PM

Dear Mr. Mattson and Mr. Seghetti:

Not that Humboldt County Public Works has any shortage of projects at the moment, but when the hell are you going to finish the Union St. project?!?!

  • It’s been closed so long that Google Maps has officially taken it off their maps!!!
  • It’s been closed so long that Apple Maps just found it!!!!
  • It’s been closed so long that the children that used to live on this street have grown up, had kids, raised those kids and became grandparents!!!
  • It’s been closed so long that people no longer make fun of how long it’s been closed!!!
  • It’s been closed so long that the last time it was open CalTrans and Humboldt County both had a surplus budget!!!!
  • It’s been closed so long that the last record of Union Street being open was found carved on an Egyptian pyramid wall!!!
  • It’s been closed so long that the first recorded time travelers have come back to the present to ask “What’s the hold up?”!!!
  • It’s been closed so long that there is no longer a hill; all the land has leveled and you can see straight through to the other end!!!!
  • It’s been closed so long that this post has been copied from 12 years ago!!!!
  • It’s been closed so long that the last music to be in style when it was opened was the native birds singing in the trees!!!!
  • It’s been closed so long that ‪#‎OpenUnionSt was a code used in the revolutionary war!!!
  • It’s been closed so long that SNL went from funny to not funny to funny to not funny to funny!!!!
  • It’s been closed so long that the trees, grass, and native plants have all grown over where the road was and is now a rain forest that supports never before seen life forms!!!!
  • It’s been closed so long that researchers have found 12 more forms of cholesterol that were once bad, but are now good, but have been found some of them to be not so good while others are vital for life!!!!
  • It’s been closed so long that people may no longer use roadways as Tesla Motors has finally announced they will soon have flying cars now!!!!!

Thank you for your attention to this matter. I know the Union Street issue will be resolved promptly as you understand that many residents have been severely impacted by this closure for quite some time by having to go out of their way to get to their destinations, the financial impact to residents due to the high cost of automotive fuel on the north coast, the increased traffic to other residential areas that have long suffered from lack of repair that are now worsened by the increased traffic to go around the Union Street closure, the hardship of those living on Union Street that have to battle construction areas to travel to and from their homes, and of course citizen concerns of the project going over budget and adding additional taxes to counter that overage.

Sincerely,

Mr. B. Hopkins - Resident & Motorist

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From: Tony Seghetti, Deputy Director of Public Works
To:     Beau Hopkins 
Sent:  Friday, September 18, 2015, 8:47 AM 

Dear Mr. Hopkins,

The Contractor has scheduled asphalt paving activities to begin on October 1 and finishing on October 9, 2015. Once the roadway has been paved, it will be opened to the general public. The remainder of the work will be finished with temporary traffic control measures, flaggers. Due to the unforeseen delays last season with the telephone line and gas line relocation, the County’s and the Contractor’s overhead costs have been increased. The County will past these additional delay costs to the utility company for reimbursement. However, the projects original budget of $3,387,778 is still in the green with approximately $2,237,667 being spent to date. I apologize for the inconvenience and hardships the road closures have caused. I can only hope that the reconstructed roadway will benefit the citizens of the Pine Hill Area for years to come.

Sincerely,

Tony Seghetti
Deputy Director of Public Works, Engineering