I seem to be on everyone’s email list for those hilarious articles and cartoons that generally turn out to be pretty lame. A list of “Potential Retirement Spots,” however, garnered a thin chuckle over my morning coffee – a sign, perhaps, of how desperate I am for comic relief these days. Here’s an edited version, together with my (lame) attempt to include Eureka:

You can retire to The Deep South where…

• “He needed killin” is a valid defense. (that was the chuckle)
• Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
• Everywhere is either: “in yonder,” “over yonder,” or “out yonder.”

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where…

• You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
• You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.

You can retire to southern California where…

• The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
• You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

You can retire to New York City where…

• You think Central Park is “nature.”
• Eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can retire to Minnesota where…

• Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
• The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.

You can retire to Colorado where…

• You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.

You can retire to the Nebraska where…

• A traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
• You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at?”

You can retire to Florida where…

• All purchases, including houses and cars, include a coupon of some kind.
• Everyone knows an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist and orthopedist.

So here goes for Eureka, version 1.1. Hope you guys can help me out here.

You can retire to Eureka where…

• Having just one person living here of “ethnic” ancestry makes the town racially diverse.
• “Bike route” is when you call the freeway a safety corridor.
• You get high for free if you inhale while walking down the boardwalk.
• Improving your housing situation is when you get a shopping cart to wheel your bed around in.
• “Heatwave” is when the summer temperature stays over 70 for more than two days in a row.
• “Urban park” is (almost) empty flowerpots on the boardwalk.
• “Six-figure income” includes the cents.
• Crossing 4th or 5th on foot rivals “stroke” and “heart attack” as a main cause of death.
• You have to drive an hour north or south to discover what “Redwood Capital” actually means.
• “Occupational perk” is Starbucks paying college tuition for their baristas.
• Your local airport was built for WW2 pilots to practice landing in fog.