Last Thursday, Louisa and I paddled over to Woodley Island — she on her SUP, me in my kayak — to enjoy a glass of wine at Cafe Marina, overlooking the boats and a pair of seals cruising for their dinner. It was our 44th wedding anniversary, practically a lifetime away from when we got married at the home of Laurence Gauthier, a Justice of the Peace, in Montpelier, Vermont, where we were vacationing. (I had to ask him to turn his TV off!)

We attribute our long-term marriage to several things, but one area stands out: the ground rules we’ve established that have helped us learn to communicate clearly and to “fight fair” — that is, when we fight at all, which nowadays is very rare. It took us years — decades! — to figure these out, but now they serve us well. So, for what it’s worth:

1. We Have a Statute of Limitations Policy

In the past, sometimes one or the other of us would bring up an old hurt, and we would delve back into our history and try to hash things out. Rarely did this work. Sometimes we wouldn’t even agree on what had happened in the first place, and resentments would resurface.

Over time we developed what we call our “statute of limitations” policy, referring to the point when we agree to no longer bring up past conflicts. If one of us does something that disturbs the other, of course, we try to resolve it. But after a couple of conversations, assuming we’ve reached a resolution — even if it’s not perfect — then the subject is closed. At that point, it’s no longer “our” problem; it’s Louisa’s or Barry’s issue, to discuss with a friend, write about, or otherwise sort out on our own without involving the other.

2. We Avoid Tit-for-Tat

Let’s say one of us washes the dishes after dinner. The next morning, if we want the other to do something for us, we don’t get to say, “But I washed the dishes last night.” In other words, we can’t use the fact that we did the dishes as a bargaining chip. We can wash the dishes or not wash the dishes, but if we choose to do them, the action stands alone, free of expectations or obligations. Our goal is to either do things freely or not at all. Of course, it’s not a perfect system, but rarely does either of us feel like a martyr.

3. We Separate Emotions and Decisions

Like any long-term couple, we have ongoing business to deal with and decisions to make about family, children, finances, house, calendar, et cetera. What we’ve found is that it helps to separate “business” from emotions.

If a business issue gets emotionally sticky, we put the topic aside, knowing we need to have a separate conversation about our feelings first. To make good decisions, we need a calm, low-intensity atmosphere.

4. We Don’t Discuss “Serious Matters” if Either of us Has Been Drinking

This ground rule has helped us avoid a lot of conflict. As everyone knows, alcohol affects the nervous system. Something that might feel like a minor irritation when we’re drinking soda water can suddenly escalate under the influence of wine.

5. One Person at a Time Tells the Story!

We don’t like it when other couples interrupt or correct each other, so we try not to. If we’re with friends and one of us is telling a story, the other doesn’t jump in with a correction, like, “Actually, that happened in 2014, not 2015.” If one of us forgets and does this, the other will say, lightly, “Hey! Who’s telling the story?”

6. “Tell Me”

This simple phrase means that the person who says it will listen to whatever the other is going through, without commenting, reacting, arguing, disagreeing, giving advice, changing the subject, or placing time limits. We find that just — just! — listening is very powerful.

7. We Gassho

A ritual gesture of Eastern origin, gassho refers to the hands pressed together in a prayer position. We gassho as a way to express apology or closure. We’re saying, “I’m sorry,” “We’re done,” or “We’re good. We can move on.”

These agreements didn’t arrive all preserved, polished, and readymade; they evolved gradually, over years and years of practice, mistakes, disagreements, and insights. Hammering out our ground rules along the winding road of our marriage is part of what made us resilient.

And they have given us a sense of safety. Without our ground rules, we wouldn’t be able to enjoy our lives as fully or be happy together. Quite simply, we wouldn’t be who we are without them.