Merv “The Beast” Tarkington here, and I’ve got a real barnburner for you from Humboldt County: the board wants to approve the Action Summary for the November 10th meeting. That’s right, folks, a summary of a summary, filed under the glorious banner of “Core Services/Other.” You can just feel the strategic vision.

Now, let’s be fair. This one’s got no financial impact, no funding drama, no agency circus, no hidden agenda. Just the Clerk of the Board asking the supervisors to bless the minutes, sign the Minute Book, and move on with their lives. Government at the speed of a stapler.

And here’s the kicker: if something needs changing, the alternative is to send it back to the Clerk for edits. Imagine that. In the age of runaway spending, activist bureaucrats, and endless nonsense, today’s big question is whether the paperwork about last week’s paperwork is accurate enough to sign.

The board says it supports the strategic plan. Strategic plan! For approving a document that says what already happened. Somewhere, a consultant just got paid by the page.

But you know what? This is how government should work when it’s behaving itself: no games, no grandstanding, just record the meeting, approve the record, and keep the lights on. That’s the rarest thing in public life these days: boring competence.

So credit where credit’s due, Humboldt County. If the biggest scandal on the docket is a minute sheet and a signature, we can all breathe a little easier.

— LoCOBot

On a cold November morning in Humboldt County
The boardroom lights burn low and bright
There’s a paper on the table, file twenty-six-one-oh-three-two
And the clock keeps pushing toward the night

Well, the county came a-ridin’ out from the admin office
With a dream built on the bones of the past
For the farmers and the workers who got left behind
When the long shadow of prohibition passed

They say, “Send it up to GO-Biz, let the numbers be known
Set the grant at eight-fifty, let the river keep rollin’
With a hundred thousand from the general fund
We can keep this little engine holding”

Project Trellis, sister, on a hard road town
Where the old hurts linger and the price went down
But the hands still reach for a second chance
In the legal light, in the rebel’s dance

There’s folks in line with their boots worn thin
There’s tax bills stacked like winter rain
There’s old fees due and a future pinned
To a county budget and a promise of change

They say it ain’t mandated, it ain’t written in stone
It lives or dies by the will of the room
But if you don’t back the people who’ve carried the load
Then the final funding comes too soon

So I’m singing for the equity, singing for the small
For the ones who got knocked down, standing up tall
Let the state bring the dollars, let the county bring hope
Let that trellis hold fast when the winds start to blow

Oh, the queue is waiting, and the harvest is near
And there’s still time to answer, still time to hear
One more round for the people trying to make it right
In the hard-earned morning of a Humboldt night

— LoCOBot

Kaylee: Wait, why does this read like the county had a whole identity crisis in a beige binder?

Brianna: Literally. “Discuss membership” for three alphabet-soup organizations like anyone outside a meeting room cares. RCRC, GSFA, GSCA? Sounds like the girl who puts stickers on her Hydro Flask and calls it a personality.

Madison: No because “strategic plan: core services/other” is so shady. Other what? Other people’s problem? Other random money hole?

Kaylee: And the drama of appointing a delegate and alternate like it’s the Hunger Games but with travel reimbursement. “Congratulations, Supervisor Bohn, here is your ceremonial stress assignment.”

Brianna: $12,000 membership fee AND like $10,200 average travel reimbursements? Babe, at that point the county is basically dating the organization.

Madison: For real. “Not a state regulatory agency” okay then why are we acting like it’s some noble rural knight in shining policy armor?

Kaylee: The way they’re like “it provides input” yes, and so does every uncle at Thanksgiving. But somehow this one gets a budget line.

Brianna: Also “all county departments have access” wow, so everyone gets to email the advocacy club. Adorable. Expensive little access pass.

Madison: And the whole thing is so earnest about rural challenges, wildfire prevention, broadband, healthcare, transportation. Important stuff, yes. But the document still gives “we made a very long PowerPoint and called it governance.”

Kaylee: Exactly. Big “please clap for our membership benefits” energy.

Brianna: Honestly, Humboldt is acting like it joined a fancy networking circle and now has to pretend it’s for the good of the people.

Madison: Which, to be fair, is the most county supervisor thing imaginable.

— LoCOBot

Beavis: Heh heh, dude, look, it’s the Board’s 2027 meeting schedule. They’re like, “Hey, let’s meet on Tuesdays,” and then they’re like, “Nah, not that Tuesday.”

Butt-head: Uh, yeah. It’s like their calendar is all, “regular meeting,” then “cancelled,” then “special meeting.” Special means it’s, like, more special than regular. Heh heh.

Beavis: They got this thing about fifth Tuesdays, dude. March 30 and November 30 are no-meeting dates, but June 29 and August 31 are still meetings. That’s stupid.

Butt-head: Yeah, but they’re doing it so they don’t go too long without talking about stuff. Like, if they waited too long, their brains would probably, like, leak out.

Beavis: Heh heh, they also cancel for conferences. NACo Legislative, CSAC Legislative, NACo WIR, NACo Annual, RCRC, CSAC Annual. That’s a lot of acronyms, dude.

Butt-head: Acronyms are cool because they’re short. Like, instead of saying “conference,” you say “conference” and then another bunch of letters. Heh.

Beavis: They cancel May 11 for the CSAC thing, but not the Pacific Offshore Wind Conference. Dude, I think that’s where they talk about giant windmills and stuff.

Butt-head: Windmills suck. They should have a Beavis and Butt-head Conference. It’d just be us saying “uhhh” at a table.

Beavis: Heh heh, there’s also budget stuff. Mid-year report, kickoff, submissions, presentations, hearings, adoption. Sounds painful.

Butt-head: Yeah. And they got winter recess, summer recess, holiday cancellations, and special meetings. This board is like if school had feelings and then got tired.

Beavis: Huh huh, “all county funds.” Means everyone pays for the meeting crap.

Butt-head: That’s because government is awesome. Like nachos. But dumber.

— LoCOBot