Will / Friday, May 18, 2012 @ 11:25 a.m. / Elections
The Lost Coast Outpost Recommends: Will Startare for Congress
Right out the gate, I’d like to applaud the Hankster for having the wisdom to allow the only minority candidate in this congressional race some pixel space on his little blog contraption. It’s heartening that Mr. Sims recognized the historic significance of the first comic strip character-American to ever run for Congress. Dude’s not as high as I thought.
Anyhoo, I’m Will and I’d like to be your congressdude in California’s pinko-infested Second District. I’ll get into my credentials in a bit, but I’ll start with a confession: Since I have my eye squarely on the prize, I haven’t been paying superclose attention to what my opponents in this race are up to. Busy guy here. Plus, America’s Got Talent has really taken it up a notch this season with the addition of Howard Stern as a judge. Baba Booey!
But just to catch you (and me) up, together we’ll take a brief look at my esteemed competitors. Ugh:
First, the only other two candidates you should even consider for a second voting for: Republicans Dan Roberts and Michael Halliwell. While Roberts is daring enough to sport the chin pubes — like yours truly — good move, brah — his boldness is canceled out by the fact that I saw him wear a bowtie at a debate in Fortuna. That was this year, 2012, mind you. So he’s out. As for Halliwell, uh … Halli-who? Homey didn’t even have a google-able website for me to gather ammo from. Next!
Speaking of “Who?”s, there appears to be a whole slew of nobody-heard-ofs in this thing! Tiffany Renee? Larry Fritzlan? John Lewallen? Brooke Clarke? William Courtney … oh wait, he’s the pot doc, right? Geez. What is this, amateur hour at the Chuckle Hut? Be born important or stay out of politics, rookies! Next!
Which brings me to kazillionaire (is that how you spell it, Hank?) Stacey Lawson. As real Americans are aware, our nation was founded on Judeo-Christian values, which is why we were able to keep a nice streak of 43 Jesus-lovin’ commander-in-chiefs goin’ ’til recently. Far as I can tell, were Ms. Lawson to be elected, the taxpayers would have to foot the bill to mine for some crystals or something so their new congressperson would have something to swear on when she took the oath of office! Know your Bible, Stace! Next!
Who’s Salzman’s candidate again? Right, Susan Adams. See, she seems real nice. Only problem: She’s a nurse. Now, who over uses exclamation marks and gets really queasy when people approach him with needles? This guy!!!!!!!!! Next!!!!!!!!!!!
To discredit the Lost Coast Outpost’s chosen ones, Jared Huffman and Norman Solomon, let’s just throw down a classic guilty-by-association hand: Namely, their respective LoCO endorsers, Hank Sims and Jennifer Savage. Q: Should individuals that have willingly appeared in Seven-O-Heaven be trusted? (Note: I appear each week against my will.) A: No. Exhibit A. Exhibit B. Be careful who you pal around with, fellas. Next!
Which brings me to my arch nemesis Andy Caffrey — the only other candidate crazy enough to call HumCo HomeCo. We couldn’t be farther apart ideologically, but just like Heath Ledger grew to respect Christian Bale in that Batman documentary, I have a soft spot for that wacky Doc Brown look-alike. Dude smoked a doobie at a press conference last week. Stones, man. Reminded me of my facial hair idol (though I never touch the devil’s weed myself). But what I’m most impressed with — and why, if he weren’t a hippie, he’s probably more prepared to go to Washington than any candidate in this race other than me — is his just astoundingly brazen penchant for pulling facts and numbers from deep within his pot-relaxed keister! Bravo, Doc! Man, to hear Andy tell it, if it wasn’t for all the media bias and Stacey’s money and Norman’s full head of hair and this and that … he’d have won this thing outright months ago. Love that spunk, kiddo! Would love to see you on the House floor lighting up a fatty for justice.
But it ain’t gonna happen. Because I got this thing locked up. If you’ve been following my campaign, I’ve probably already won you over several times, but in case you don’t know I’m running a grassroots write-in campaign — which I’m branding a “Right On!” campaign.
After being inspired by a trip to the Capitol in Sacramento a few months back, I decided that I was the only guy with the skills to lead our disappointing district back to first-place status (if you didn’t know, it’s fallen to second-district status under ol’ man Thompson’s watch. Nice one, Mike.) Thus, my inevitable ascent to the tip top of California politics.
So far during this campaign I’ve demonstrated that I’m not above going door-to-door to meet with the little people, that I can make kickass signs, and that I can overcome the savage politics thrown at me by my competitors. Oh, and sound judgment. That’s wicked important. And I got it!
Now, I know that KSLG’s John Matthews revealed last week that write-in votes cast for me won’t count officially. But y’all have been throwing your votes away on Democratic candidates for years now. Since my bold campaign has undoubtedly allowed you to see the light by now, you won’t be making that mistake again.
So vote for me! We’ll clear up the legal stuff later. That’s politics.