Redwood Park on 4/20/2007. Wow.

Weed is the big story this today. So is Jesus. It’s 420! And Easter! Hurrah!!! The masses are celebrating with mass and massive sessions of marijuana ingestion and massive hunts for eggs of the hardboiled and dyed or plastic varieties. America is beautiful. 

How fortuitous that LoCO-OTP lands on this historically stony day, and I wish you the happiest of 420s, of course. Surely your day will be grand, for today, weed-lovers celebrate, Denver is THE place to be, people are sneaking tokes before joining Easter egg hunts… Today, hella people are getting high. Hella.   

However, I am going to take this opportunity to remind you that the marijuana world isn’t all rainbows and unicorns and sparkles and cotton candy, like some super-fans might suggest. (Marijuana super-fans don’t really suggest that the marijuana world is all of those things. I just like how the sentence sounds.)

So I offer a brief list of stoner snafus, pothead plights and cannabis quandaries to remind you that getting high on weed isn’t always a picnic. 

Unhappy 420 — Bad Things That Can Happen With the Weed

The weed itself:

  • wet bud
  • moldy bud
  • seeds in your weed
  • brick weed
  • chemy weed
  • harsh weed
  • pretendica
  • “pollution pot”
  • over-priced weed
  • old ass brown weed
  • dry ass weed that crumbles into powder when you handle it
  • weed that gets all stuck in the grinder
  • dog hairs in your buds

The apparatus:

  • broken bong
  • broken pipe
  • broken rig
  • torn rolling paper
  • torn blunt wrap
  • soggy end of a joint
  • a joint that just won’t smoke
  • jury-rigged smoking device that doesn’t cut the mustard
  • you can’t find a deep enough vessel for your gravity bong
  • the vaporizer scorches your load
  • the bong is too full => accidental bong water inhalation and/or the bong load got soaked
  • bong/bubbler/recycler water spillage
  • ash tray spillage
  • shortage of fuel — empty torch, empty lighter, empty box o’ matches, no outlet for the vape or dead vape battery

The people:

  • authority figure that busts you for your stash
  • authority figure that confiscates your stash and/or smoking apparatus
  • those that bogart
  • devastatingly cliche stoner-types
  • closet stoners that pooh-pooh out-and-proud stoners
  • arrogant pot people
  • shady pot people
  • anti-pot people
  • too cool for school pot people
  • rambling pot people
  • pushy pot people

Not so random mishaps:

  • your package got intercepted en route
  • you accidentally get high — the brownies are spiked
  • unwelcome addition to the weed — the joint is spiked with something gnarly, like PCP (it happened to my friend once at a Metallica concert)
  • nowhere to partake — Redwood Park is off limits
  • the weed brings on an unwanted psychedelic flashback
  • a major weed holiday falls on a major holiday
  • can’t find your recommendation when you need it
  • dabs till you can’t move
  • dabs till you can’t stop crying
  • dabs till you fall over-
  • dabs till you puke
  • burning yourself on the nail, on the joint, on the burning weed
  • accidental inhalation of the cherry — ouch!
  • cherry somehow launches into your lap or somewhere not good
  • pinner bong loads
  • shortage of weed, dabs, tincture, ganja food
  • accidental loss of weed, dabs, tincture, ganja food
  • stolen weed, dabs, tincture, ganja food
  • lighting your hair on fire; burnt nose hairs, eyebrows
  • someone Instagrams a photo of you smoking weed and you’re someone that isn’t supposed to be smoking weed

Some side-effects:

  • paranoia
  • allergic reactions, breaking out in hives
  • uncontrollable giggles at the wrong moment
  • uncontrollable munchies
  • cotton mouth
  • pounding heart
  • loss of coordination
  • loss of motivation; lethargy
  • brain “changes” 
  • short term memory loss 
  • 80% functionality
  • your dreams are dulled
  • couch lock a.k.a. ganja-food-till-you-can’t-move
  • the weed brings on an unwanted psychedelic experience (or flashback) complete with rainbow-particle-vision and echoey voices
  • big hit => wicked bout of coughing
  • unmanageable weed habit — fiend!
  • tolerance that’s too high for you to get high
  • weed withdrawals — insomnia, irritability, appetite changes, cravings

Now you know. And may none of these unhappy things come to pass for you on this sacred day. Be well. Blessings. Namaste. Puff on. Light one up. Burn one down. Smoke a load. Vape a round. Dab me. Wait, hold on. I think I’m good on the dabs. Thanks anyway.

Cannabis cotton candy at the Emerald Cup. Photo by Bob Doran.