…the curious thing about [The Matrix] was that everybody could grasp the basic setup instantly…We’re not strangers to the feeling that, for much of our lives, we might just as well be brains-in-vats, floating in an amniotic fluid of simulations. It doesn’t just strike us as plausibly weird. It strikes us as weirdly plausible…one can even start to wonder whether the language we hear constantly on television and talk radio (“the war on terror,” “homeland security,” etc.) is a sort of vat-English—a language from which all earthly reference has been bled away.

— Adam Gopnik, The New Yorker, May 19, 2003

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The Matrix, that unrivalled cyberpunk movie that blew our minds 25 years ago (It’s all a simulation!), came to mind recently after a bout of Vat-English emails. The movie, you remember, has us all living in vats while believing we’re living full and eventful lives. (It was never completely clear why, exactly, the machines had us in vats, something about tapping our bodies for energy — best not to question too much, unless you’re into downing Red Pills). Our world, the simulated world, the one with the dainty green cast over everything, is The Matrix of the title, brought to life by the Wachowski brothers (now sisters).

So, Vat-English. “If there’s anything at all we can do to make your flight more enjoyable, we’ll be more than happy to help.” Thanks, United, maybe if you gave us a little more legroom back here in cattle-class, could you do that? No? Oh, that’s for First Class passengers, sorry I asked.

I’ve been having this ongoing battle with Eddie Bauer, who sold me a down vest last year with what turned out to be a defective zipper (after several months of wear). What galls me (I know, Buddhist serenity and all that) is their boilerplate response: “I wanted to personally reach out to you…Rest assured, we are committed to resolving this matter promptly and efficiently. Your satisfaction is our top priority, and we appreciate your patience as we work towards a resolution. Should you have any further questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to reach out to us. We are here to help and support you every step of the way.” This after over 15 to and fro emails! (Still no replacement, five months later.)

Or this, in response to my wife Louisa complaining that a reply to her query (about a pedestrian bridge on the Yurok Loop, in Redwoods National and State Parks) came back unsigned (and with her name misspelled). “The lack of personal closing in emails is standard for responses coming from a NPS office, rather than a person…The closing of the email aligns appropriately with correspondence from a Superintendent’s Office. I can, however, assure you that your concerns have been seen and weighed in on by both the Superintendent and the appropriate Supervisor.” Dontcha love that passive voice?

Louisa wrote asking why the railings on this little pedestrian bridge were nearly five feet high? Safety, according to the National Park Service respondent, who chose to remain anonymous. (Photo: Barry Evans.)

Or look no farther than my spam folder. Here’s a recent sampling:

  • Expiring Soon: hurry up! Rewards have arrived!
  • I need your honest cooperation to partner with me to invest in your company…
  • Greetings, I’m contacting you through email because I feel it’s more convenient for me to explain the reasons to which I’m contacting you.
  • I am the reverend father Tony Elumelu J. Shedrack, director cash processing unit, united bank for Africa…
  • YES! Send Me The TRUMP 2024 SAVE AMERICA Automatic Knife Now for 70% OFF!
  • Attn dear: Your names, address and direct phone number is needed so we can process your payment immediately.
  • Is your loved one experiencing memory loss?
  • I am the only biological Daughter of the late Libyan President (Late Colonel Muammar Gaddafi) I have funds worth $27.500.000.00 US Dollars which I want to entrust to you for investment project assistance in your country.
  • CONGRATULATIONS! CONGRATULATIONS!! CONGRATULATIONS!!! your email was selected among the FIVE lucky winners…

As I say, Vat-English, lacking any trace of actual meaning. Is this our future Brave New World, with ChatGPT and its many rivals writing us in lieu of a person? No human actually communicating, just vague platitudes and come-ons?