THERE’S ONLY 290 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS! WHAT’LL I DO!! I GOTTA GET THE GIFT SHOPPING DONE! THE KIDS WANT A PIANO, THE OL’ BALL AND CHAIN WANTS A DEEP FRYER, MY BROTHER WANTS A 2006 GO 4 INTERCEPTOR III AND A FORD RANGER — GREEDY BASTARD — WHERE IN THE HELL AM I GOING TO GET IT ALL?????????

Is that you? Relax! You’re set! With some luck, you could get all of that stuff on the cheap — and not even have to leave town! The city of Arcata is auctioning off 39 items that the city has decided it doesn’t need anymore on GovDeals.com, some of them worth marveling at. 

Ever thought it’d be cool to own a street sweeper? Here’s one: current bid, only $24. That 2006 Go 4 Interceptor III mentioned earlier? A sweet-ass four-banger three-wheeled Meter maid mobile, currently going for $360. There’s two up for grabs, but one doesn’t have a title. 

A few Fords, all of which only start with a jump: an Expedition, an Escape, a Ranger, and three Crown Vics, one of them, inexplicably, going for four times as much as the others. (One has a busted alternator and the other one’s transmission is non-op, so maybe not entirely inexplicable.)

Some other highlights: a pitching machine. A 150 KW generator. Another generator with the beginnings of a nice lawn growing in it. Two trailers. A beefy lawnmower.  “Lot of Miscellaneous Plastic Containers with Lids.” And a bunch of other assorted detritus. 

Even if you do manage to snag a street sweeper for the cost of a decent restaurant meal, there are still plenty of hurdles to clear before you can claim it. The city can reject any bid for any reason; buyers have to pick the property up wherever it’s located. The minimum bid increases vary; sales close March 18, 8 p.m. Arcata’s tacking on a 12.5% buyer’s premium on everything, and buyers also must pay sales tax. Visual inspections are allowed from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. on weekdays. 

Also, if you read this article and buy the street sweeper, you have to let me drive it.