“This is Dell, hello.”

In my nightmares, I’ll hear the lilting words echoing down Kafkaesque halls.

Forget the actual product (ignore the 3 Dell computers needing service this last month in my 3 computer household.) Let’s just focus on my amazing experience of having an ear massage at the expense of Dell. (Ignore the gouging $39 charge for EACH computer in order to tell me “I’m sorry. We can’t help you with that over the phone”—which I already knew! Ignore this.  You can if you really try.) Let’s just focus on the beautiful lilting rhythms of the Indian continent—which I was able to enjoy at great length both yesterday and today. (Ignore the hard drive received so long after it was promised that my computer had already gone to our local Emerald Technologies AND returned home in wonderful working order—a process comprising more than 2 weeks!)

Let’s just focus on the hour long massage gifted me by a series of workers on another continent yesterday. The wonderful feeling of having my ear rubbed deeply by my phone

while yet another person in an identically and carefully bland, though beautifully accented voice, asked me the same questions and then responded, “I’m sorry. We can’t help you here. Let me transfer you to a department that can.”

Until finally, one worker stood out from the rest, “I’m sorry. We can’t help you here and the department who can won’t be open until tomorrow.”

Thrilled at the prospect of yet another long massage, yet unwilling to put the company to any unnecessary expense I urged trying to deal with my problem then.

“I’m so sorry.  We can’t help you here but, I promise, no problem, they help you at this other department tomorrow.  No problem.”

So today, I received another deep tissue ear massage compliments of Dell and the mysterious Indian continent that previously I had been entranced by. Sadly, the beautiful lilting voices were no longer working their soothing magic on me.

I felt like a volley ball on the beach but without the visual comfort of brown, beautiful bodies around me. First the tech department, then customer service, then the tech department, then…

Battered and bruised I was volleyed to yet another person in the customer Dis-service dept. “I’m sorry but…”

I snapped. “This is unacceptable.” I insisted on relating my long litany of complaints.

The most recent voice waited yawning until I was through listened patiently. Then, in the same identical bland voice, said, “I am so sorry but…”

That is why

The next time I buy

I’ll say,

“Get Dell?

Hell…NO!”

Currently, I’ve been passed to DHL, a shipping service, to determine why the hard drive I ordered the 15th of June and returned the first part of August has yet to return to Dell.

I hope the poor frightened and abused little hard drive has escaped this hell.

I wish I could!