In a deliciously humorous attempt at countering the latest draconian anti-abortion measures of the Texas state legislature, Representative Jessica Farrar has introduced a “Men’s Right to Know” act. Section 173.010 of House Bill 4260 would limit male masturbation to take place only under the supervision of a licensed medical facility.

Representative Jessica Farrar, Texan hero.

Any “unregulated masturbatory emissions outside of a woman’s vagina, or created outside of a health or medical facility, will be charged a $100 civil penalty for each emission, and will be considered an act against an unborn child, and failing to preserve the sanctity of life” as “a means of the healthiest way to ensure men’s health.” (One wag noted that this fine would bring in funds to the state coffers “hand over fist.”)

“Men’s Right to Know” is a spoof of the booklet “A Women’s Right to Know,” required reading for a woman in Texas before obtaining an abortion. That’s just the tip of the iceberg—the poor woman has to watch a vaginal sonogram of her “baby” (in Texas, it’s a baby from the moment of conception), go home and ponder what she’s about to do for 24 hours, and come back the next day for the actual procedure. As if the woman’s decision to have an abortion isn’t already sufficiently challenging.

Republican representative Tony Tinderhold recently proposed criminalizing abortion, on the grounds that it would make women “more personally responsible” for their sexual behavior. So Ms. Farrar’s bill emphasizes the desirability of “full male abstinence” (no nothing, guys!), along with insisting on “a medically-unnecessary digital rectal exam and magnetic resonance imagining of the rectum before administering an elective vasectomy or colonoscopy procedure or prescribing Viagra.” (This, of course, is in response to the medically-unnecessary pre-abortion intra-vaginal sonogram.)

Sadly, the bill stands no chance of getting to a vote, let alone passing. But I applaud the efforts of Representative Farrar to inject a little humor into such a fraught issue. With all the real issues facing Texas—starting with failing transportation infrastructure, guns on college campuses, out-of-control medical costs, failing education—haven’t the good old boys in the state house have more important concerns to deal with? Apparently not. Old white guys imposing their personal morals on women’s bodies is business as usual in that benighted state.