Welcome back, sports fans! It’s been nine months since I was voluntold to take a break from writing so as to not upset the ball-less monkeys who post tens of thousands of times on the Lost Coast Outpost comment section. I argued, “Doggies gotta bark. They’re just 400 pound losers living in their parent’s basement or they’re Russian bots. Either way, who cares what an anonymous troll (or blog) says?”

The shackles are off, baby. It’s back to reality.

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“Every battle is won or lost before it’s ever fought.”

This 4th District County Supervisor campaign was no different. It was over last October 2017 as the Bass machine was fully operational. Heck, Rex Bohn is already campaigning for his 2020 re-election.

“Those who don’t walk, don’t win.”

For any candidate that wants to win your local election, you do it one voter at a time, one house at a time. If you’re not going to canvass neighborhoods (door-to-door) then please don’t bother to announce your candidacy.

“The election’s over. Pick up your damn yard signs!”

Finally, my favorite thing I read this campaign season:

“If yard signs are any indication of success, then Virginia Bass is in the lead, followed by For Sale.”

Congratulations to Sheriff Billy Honsal, Jr.; District Attorney Maggie Fleming; Clerk, Recorder and Registrar of Voters Kelly Sanders; Treasurer-Tax Collector John Bartholomew; Tax Assessor Mari Wilson; and Superintendent of Schools Chris Hartley; all whom I predicted huuuuge election night victories. I do apologize for the 27 people who ran for California Governor and the 32 who ran for United State Senate. It made the ballot too damn long.

2018 was a complete flip-flop of 2014 and the weirdest election I’ve done in 14 years. Four years ago Ryan Sundberg got a pass and every no-growth Regressive, CAVE (Citizens Against Virtually Everything) dweller, environmentalist, angry Progressive went all-in on defeating Supervisor Virginia Bass. They lost.

This time the tables were reversed and every left-wing nut went after Ryan Sundberg. I was joking with the North Coast Journal and Lost Coast Outpost, “Ssshhh! The 4th District Supervisor race is a stealth campaign. Don’t tell anybody about it till June 6.” While over in the 5th District we had a bare knuckles cage match between Sundberg and Sungnome.

“Every vote counts, especially yours!”

Wanna ask Sundberg and Sungnome their thoughts on that? Sungnome Madrone has a slim 33 vote lead on election night with a minimum 2,233 ballots in the 5th District still to be counted.

Here’s the math on the remaining votes:

(X – Y) / 2 = Z; Z /X = %

where X is the 2,233 expected 5th District votes to be counted;

Y is Madrone’s 33-vote margin;

(X – Y) = 2,200 / 2;
Z = 1,100
(Z) 1,100 / (X) 2,233 = 49.26%

If Sungnome gets 1,101 (49.26%) or more votes, he wins. If Sundberg gets 1,134 (50.74%) or greater of the remaining 2,233 ballots, he wins.

In other words it’s gonna be close, possibly single or double digits to determine the 5th District Supervisor race. If it’s that close I can guarantee a recount and challenge of votes. Anyone remember the November 2000 Presidential race with “hanging chads”? Are you one of the estimated 62% of registered voters who sat on their ass on Election Day because, “My vote doesn’t count”?

What’s worse is each campaign is going to get the updated voter data in a few months from the Elections Office. Then they get to do a Santa and see which of their supporters were naughty or nice. If I was a candidate that lost an election by 16 votes and I see a supporter – someone who endorsed me, had a yard sign on their lawn, maybe even cut a check to the campaign; however they couldn’t bother to vote — they’d be getting the stink eye from me.

Over in the 4th

I’m not gonna say anything bad about Virginia’s opponents, they’re both wonderful women. I just didn’t get their campaign strategy. Why would you run someone from the far-left and then bring in another candidate from the extreme-far left against a moderate Democratic incumbent? All they’re did is take votes from each other. It literally split the local progressive Democrats. Don’t believe me? At the end of election night, Dani Burkhart had one more vote than Mary Ann Lyons. One.

As one voter told me in going D2D, “I don’t like Virginia as she’s a little left for my taste. I mean she supports helping out them homeless and drug addicts (back to that in a sec), however her two opponents are a communist and a socialist (not sure which one was which), so Virginia gets my vote”.

So I asked him, “What should the electeds do with the homeless and drug addicts on our streets?”

His reply, “Shoot ‘em.”

It’s always interesting when talking to some angry people how they conveniently forget the United States Constitution, the laws of the State of California and the norms of a civilized society.

I almost felt bad for Virginia’s opponents. It was April 20, couldn’t forget that date (420) as I had two friends come up to me and ask, “Why is Virginia putting up all these yard signs? She’s running unopposed.”

“Nope. Virginia has two opponents this June.”

“Two? Really? Who are they?”

I lost it. “I ain’t telling you. I’m gonna let her opponents tell you who they are, ‘cuz I’m sick and tired of telling everyone who they are.”

To make matters worse, I had another supporter come up and ask the same question in late May (bang head against wall).

Then on April 26 we had the latest round 460s (political financial reports) where Bass’ two opponents had a combined $130 in cash on hand. I had more money in my wallet then two candidates running for Humboldt County Supervisor had in their campaign war chests.

It gets worse.

The May 24th 460 filings showed the “Ending Cash Balance” of Mary Ann Lyons at $91 and Dani Burkhart with $254. However Dani had an outstanding bill owed to her printer of $945, bringing her net cash balance to -$691.

Mary Ann Lyons missed the deadline for the Times-Standard’s Sunday front page, above the fold “Meet the Candidates” coverage. Probably the largest free advertising of the campaign and the voters didn’t get to know more about her.

Neither candidate wrote a My Word piece for the Times-Standard stating why the incumbent was “bad” and me “good”. I didn’t read a single Times-Standard Letter To the Editor supporting either of the two opponents until May 26.

As for the “big money candidate,” I heard from more than one person, “Without some of her big money supporters, Virginia won’t be able to raise any money.” Whadda ya think? I think she did okay as she had over 500 people contribute to her campaign. FYI … the yard signs were recycled for the third time and this was the lowest fundraising total of Virginia Bass’ three County Supervisor elections.

Where were the Humboldt County Progressives when former Supervisor Bonnie Neely got over $85,000 in an election cycle from just two special interest donors (Bill Pierson and Blue Lake Casino) and another $10,000 from an Orange County developer, whose The Strand project she voted on with the California Coastal Commission to allow him to build mega-McMansions on the Dana Point sand? Oh yeah, they supported Bonnie.

While some people out there were claiming, “We need term limits!” We have them. They’re called E-L-E-C-T-I-O-N-S!

Julie Timmons wrote on every blog, “Two terms is enough!” I’ll remind you that in 2010 when Bonnie Neely was running for her 7th term (28 years in office if she got re-elected) Julie endorsed her. Remember with Regressives it’s, “Do as I say,” not “Do as I do.”

Finally to the Auditor-Controller. I didn’t have a dog in this race. I’m not sure why every Democratic, left-leaning group and the unions went all-in for an Auditor-Controller candidate. Where were they when Mari Wilson (D) ran for County Assessor in 2010?

“Mari! Mari! Mari! Whoo-hoo!”

I couldn’t tell you the political party affiliation of the majority of Humboldt County electeds, or county and city department heads, nor do I care. What I do care about is they’re qualified, professional and competent. I want them to return a phone call, text or email. More importantly, when I have an issue, I want them to step up and help me get it resolved. So if you know something I don’t, I’m all ears.

The Emperor Has No Clothes

Berniecrats, we gotta talk… Yeah, I too voted for Bernie Sanders in the 2016 June primaries. Not a big fan of Hillary. But when the November general election rolled around, I rallied behind the Democratic candidate and voted for Hillary. Anybody but Crazy Donald.

You’d be amazed of how many Democratic meetings I’ve attended where someone asks the speaker, “Who’d you vote for President?”

And the speaker proudly exclaims, “I voted for Bernie Sanders!”

Then a voice from the back of the room bellows, “That was the June primary. Who’d you vote for in November 2016?”

And then we watch as the speaker shuffles, stumbles and mumbles, “That’s private/personal. I don’t have to answer you.” or “I didn’t vote for Trump.”

Wanna know why Donald Trump is President of the United States?

Look no further than the Berniecrats (especially in Wisconsin, Michigan and Pennsylvania). While many of my Republican friends were disgusted by Crazy Donald’s behavior, they fell in line with their Republican candidate. Not the Berniecrats. Nope, they had to go on their principals.

“Hillary’s a corporate candidate!”

“Hillary gave those Wall Street speeches to fatten her wallet!”

“Hillary supported the Iraq war!”

“Hillary didn’t support same-sex marriage until it became politically convenient!” (Same as Obama and Bernie, but let’s not fret the details.)

“Hillary can’t relate to normal working-class folks!”

“Hillary was so aloof she didn’t even talk to the media for six months during the campaign!”

All true, so what’s your point? Do you want me to detail the negatives of Crazy Donald up to November 2016?

Democrats, who was your 2016 Democratic Presidential candidate?

You can’t call yourself a Democrat if you didn’t vote for the Democratic Presidential candidate in the 2016 November general election.

I’m a pragmatist, a realist, especially when it comes to politics. My biggest political role models are Jesus Christ, Abraham Lincoln, Mahatma Gandhi and Mario Savio. They took on the status quo, changed the world and actually accomplished things.

Bernie Sanders made you false promises, sold you magic beans, proggie fantasies that you bought hook, line and sinker.

Instead of “Feel the Bern” bumper sticker,

it should have read, “Ya got Berned”.

How’s that $15 an hour minimum wage coming in Texas, where the state minimum wage is $7.25?

How’s that free medical care for all coming in Alabama?

How’s that free college tuition coming in California, where my daughter graduates from UCLA next week? Wanna ask what we paid for college tuition?

Why not just offer the voters a free pony and sexual favors every morning before leaving for work? Neither one of them would ever come to fruition (“You’re funny. I just did my hair and make-up.”), however I guarantee you’d get every male vote out there.

When Bernie said, “I demand a $15 an hour minimum wage!” Hillary should have responded with, “That’s all!? I demand a $16 an hour minimum wage!” It would have made Bernie seem small when you can’t turn your campaign promises into policy

What’s worse is how some Berniecrats have taken their bumper stickers and cut out the “16.”

Reality check:

• Did Bernie Sanders win the 2016 California Democratic primary?
• Did Bernie Sanders win the 2016 national Democratic primary?

Bernie was a moment, not a movement. A movement means something actually changed.

I don’t want a politician to tell me what I want to hear. I want a politician to tell me the truth. In the end, Bernie failed and yet they still cling to their Progressive nirvana with their Bernie bumper sticker on their Prius.

I Had An Affair With Donald Trump

Not really, but when I heard his fixer Michael Cohen was paying $130,000 for people that claimed they had sex with Crazy Donald, even if they didn’t …

Now I realize Crazy Donald will be tweeting “No sex with that Matthew Owen person. Never happened!”

Who cares, just gimmie my $130,000!

Is there anyone on the planet that doesn’t believe the Crazy Donald had numerous affairs and sometimes paid hush money with a NDA (Non-Disclosure Agreement) to cover them up?

Which Brings Me to Why I Converted to Evangelical Christian

When I heard that you can lie, cheat and steal; have as many marital affairs as you want; grab women by the pussy; pay no income taxes ever; always dispute your property taxes; insult people daily on Twitter and the blogs, I just had to convert to evangelical Christian. The Pastor and I are still working out the details, but I told him I wanted the Crazy Donald special. Ya know, the one that says I never have to step foot in a church, nor ever give a single dollar. I can do all the above and all the local evangelical Christian pastors will endorse me when I run for dog catcher.

Starbums

If you’re the type of hipster with bad facial hair and a funky cap who orders, “Venti - one pump caramel, one pump white mocha, two scoops vanilla bean powder, extra ice frappuccino, with two shots poured over the top with caramel drizzle under and on top of the whipped cream, double-cupped,” you deserve what is being predicted for Starbucks.

It all started when a Starbucks employee in Philadelphia called the police on two black men who had the audacity to sit in a Starbucks for a business meeting without ordering anything. On May 29 Starbucks closed 8,000 stores for “racial bias training.” Starbucks also came out with a new corporate policy that says you don’t have to order anything to sit in a Starbucks; however there is no sleeping, drinking alcohol or drug use allowed.

Anyone wanna take a guess which portion of our population that’s aimed at?

The hipsters and progressives are already predicting a takeover of Starbucks, similar to what public libraries around the country face. The homeless will plant themselves in droves and stay all day, especially in inclement weather. Much like a public library, it’s warm, safe and dry. There’s a bathroom to use, bathe, shoot heroin and drop your needles in the toilet.

I’m predicting that Starbucks will go to coded locks on the bathroom doors. The Starbucks on 5th & E already had this problem before the corporate policy change.

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Matt Owen, in case you didn’t know, is a blessedly infrequent writer of guest Lost Coast Outpost opinion columns, the past president of the Rotary Club of Eureka and the husband of Fourth District Supervisor Virginia Bass. His whole shtick is that he loathes and excoriates local progressives … but hey, look, he makes fun of Trump too! That, in his mind, puts him In The Middle.