Today the Lost Coast Outpost is overjoyed to launch the Internet’s newest feature: The LoCO Classyfieds! Classified ads for one and all!
What are the Classyfieds? To explain, we have to turn to history. Once upon a time, local industrialists would print the previous day’s news on large sheets of cheap pulp and distribute them to homes around their region. For a price, citizens of that region could purchase space in these “news papers” to offer their own goods and services, or sometimes merely the contents of their own mind, to the community. These were printed near the back of the paper, and were often a very popular attraction in their own right – more popular than the news itself, at times!
The LoCO Classyfieds are a lot like this, but with several key differences:
- For one: They are not inefficiently distributed on ligneous material that has been mashed up and bleached with industrial chemicals.
- Therefore, for two: No word limit! You can go on and on for as long as you like without incurring additional damage to the Earth’s forested areas.
- And so, for three: Hella cheap! Your Classy sets you back just $1 per day.
What can you do with a picture and a virtually unlimited number of words? Can you give people directions to the yard sale you’re going to throw in a couple of weeks? Can you seek employment or a place to live? Can you offer a remembrance of a loved one who passed a long time ago, or who doesn’t otherwise meet our fairly strict requirements for free obituaries? Can you offer a free piano to anyone who will come move the damned thing out of your living room? Can you prove that chemtrails are real?
You can do all of those things and more on the LoCO Classyfieds. I’m not going to say your imagination is the only limit, because there are a few others – no drugs, pets or weapons, no sex stuff – but it’s pretty darned wide open! You people are going to imagine uses for the Classyfieds that had never occurred to us when we built this thing. (BUT NOTE: Classyfieds are only for actual, individual humans. No businesses, please.)
Best of all, of course – the thing that makes it worth your dollar – is that your Classy will be virtually stapled to the eyeballs of the mighty Outpost audience, which is unrivaled in Humboldt County. All the Classies of the moment are always listed in random order on the Classyfieds home page, and one random classified will always appear on the LoCO homepage, with its shockingly high traffic. Your Classy will be noticed. It will not go quietly into that dark night.
OK! You know all you need to know to get this thing rolling!
Want to buy your own Classyfied? Click right here!
Classyfieds! Let’s see how this goes!
UPDATE, HALF AN HOUR LATER: In a powerful Classyfied proof of concept, those DVDs went in minutes. If you liked any of the movies on that list, you can now find them at Bob’s Humboldt Pawndemonium on Broadway in Eureka.