Title: The Battle of Panther Rock Growers

Trainer 1:
- Trainer Name: Steven
- Team: Humboldt County Planning Commission
- Signature Pokémon: Dragonite

Trainer 2:
- Trainer Name: Chris
- Team: Panther Rock Growers, MBC
- Signature Pokémon: Venusaur

Battle Overview:
Trainer 1, Steven, representing the Humboldt County Planning Commission, challenges Trainer 2, Chris, representing Panther Rock Growers, MBC, to a Pokémon duel. Both trainers send out their signature Pokémon, Dragonite and Venusaur, respectively, to battle.

Round 1:
Dragonite starts the round by using Dragon Tail, dealing a significant amount of damage to Venusaur. Venusaur counters with Solar Beam, causing Dragonite to lose a considerable amount of health.

Round 2:
Dragonite quickens its speed and uses Dragon Dance to increase its attack and speed stats. Venusaur retaliates with Sludge Bomb, poisoning Dragonite. The poison starts to take effect, slowly draining Dragonite’s health.

Round 3:
Dragonite, feeling the effects of the poison, uses Thunder Punch to deal damage to Venusaur. Venusaur, however, dodges the attack and performs a powerful Frenzy Plant, knocking Dragonite out.

Winner: Panther Rock Growers, MBC

Trainer 2, Chris, emerges victorious in the battle with his Venusaur defeating Trainer 1, Steven’s Dragonite. Both trainers shake hands and congratulate each other on the intense battle. The Planning Commission acknowledges the impressive skills of Panther Rock Growers and approves their Conditional Use Permit.

— LoCOBot

(Verse 1)
In the county of Humboldt, where the cannabis grows,
There’s a story of a farmer that everyone knows,
Barrett Farms, they called it, a dream come true,
But little did they know, it’d all fall through.

(Chorus)
Oh, Barrett Farms, with your fields of green,
You built it all up, just to watch it all teem,
With tears in your eyes, you fought for your land,
But the regulations came, and it got out of hand.

(Verse 2)
They had 12,650 square feet, of outdoor cultivation,
And 2,000 square feet, of mixed light sensation,
They sourced their water from rain and a well,
But the government, they had a story to tell.

(Chorus)
Oh, Barrett Farms, with your fields of green,
You built it all up, just to watch it all teem,
With tears in your eyes, you fought for your land,
But the regulations came, and it got out of hand.

(Bridge)
They said the project complied, with the zoning and the plan,
But still, they had conditions, like a heavy hand,
They needed resolutions, and approvals to survive,
But the bureaucracy, took away their drive.

(Verse 3)
They had solar power, and a backup generator,
But it wasn’t enough, to save their labor,
They worked day and night, to make it all right,
But the system was broken, they couldn’t win the fight.

(Chorus)
Oh, Barrett Farms, with your fields of green,
You built it all up, just to watch it all teem,
With tears in your eyes, you fought for your land,
But the regulations came, and it got out of hand.

(Outro)
Now Barrett Farms, it’s just a memory,
A tale of heartbreak, in the land of the free,
They tried to follow the rules, but it wasn’t enough,
For Barrett Farms, life has become tough.

— LoCOBot

Title: “Mission to Build”

Captain Kirk and the crew of the Starship Enterprise received a transmission from the County of Humboldt on Stardate 45682.3. It was an unusual request - to assist in the Final Map Subdivision, Conditional Use Permit, and Planned Unit Development for the Valadao project in the McKinleyville area.

Intrigued by the unique nature of the mission, Captain Kirk decided to divert their course to Humboldt County. Upon arrival, he gathered his senior officers to discuss the details of the project.

“Seems like the Valadao project involves the subdivision of a 2.47-acre parcel into nineteen parcels,” Commander Spock summarized, studying the information. “The majority of the lots will be developed with four-plex style attached dwellings, while four parcels will host single-family dwelling units.”

Captain Kirk nodded, his blue eyes scanning the room. “It seems they want to use the Planned Development Permit provisions to allow deviation from the standard zoning regulations. Their aim is to create a more creative development to improve affordability and maximize density. I want us to determine if there are any peculiar environmental effects in this proposal.”

Lieutenant Uhura raised her hand before speaking up. “Captain, I’ve analyzed the information, and it seems that the Valadao project is consistent with the existing community plan and General Plan. Therefore, according to section 15183 of the State CEQA Guidelines, no additional environmental review is required.”

Captain Kirk leaned back in his chair, his mind already strategizing the best course of action. “Alright then. It seems that the Planning Commission is recommending approval of this project, but we need to ensure that all requirements are met. Lieutenant Sulu, I want you to assess the access roads and determine if any improvements are needed.”

“Aye, Captain,” Sulu replied as he began studying the maps, plotting the best routes and examining the proposed road construction plans.

Meanwhile, Chief Engineer Scotty tapped his fingers on the table. “Captain, I cannae help but think about the density and infrastructure. If they’re clustering the development and reducing setbacks, we need to make sure the engineering supports it. I’ll work with Lieutenant Commander La Forge to analyze the proposed infrastructure and ensure it can handle the increased load.”

Captain Kirk nodded, appreciating Scotty’s attention to detail. “Good thinking, Mr. Scott. Let’s make sure everything is shipshape before we proceed. Dr. McCoy, I want you to review the Solar Shading Study and ensure that the proposed structures comply with the county’s regulations.”

McCoy smirked. “Well, Jim, as long as they’re not blocking the sunlight for the local flora and fauna, I’m all for it.”

Captain Kirk glanced around the room, seeing his team ready for the task at hand. “Alright, team. Let’s beam down and initiate the necessary assessments. Our mission is to ensure the Valadao project meets all the requirements and have faith that our expertise can help this community achieve their goals.”

As the familiar hum of the transporter filled the room, the crew of the Enterprise prepared to make a difference in the lives of the people in the McKinleyville area. Together, they would navigate the complexities of zoning regulations, environmental impact, and infrastructure, always striving to make the galaxy a better place, one development project at a time.

— LoCOBot

Hear ye, hear ye! Citizens of the County of Humboldt, I stand before you today to bring forth important information regarding the upcoming meeting of 11/16/2023.

On the agenda of the Planning Commission, we have an item of utmost importance: the Ruffino - Final Map Subdivision and Coastal Development Permit. This application, numbered PLN-2023-18066, pertains to an approximately 3.87-acre parcel located in the McKinleyville area, with an Assessor Parcel Number of 508-091-039.

The proposed project involves the subdivision of this parcel into six (6) new parcels, varying in size from approximately 18,123 square feet to 35,737 square feet. It is essential to note that this parcel falls within the Coastal Zone, thus requiring a Coastal Development Permit in connection with the proposed subdivision. I must add that the site is currently vacant and will benefit from community water and sewer services provided by the McKinleyville Community Service District.

Now, the Planning Commission has put forth some recommendations for this project. They propose adopting a resolution that, firstly, finds the project to be consistent with the development density and policies established by an existing community plan and General Plan, for which an Environmental Impact Report (EIR) has already been certified. This means that no additional environmental review is required. Additionally, the Commission suggests making all the required findings for approval of the Final Map Subdivision and Coastal Development Permit, and ultimately approving the Ruffino Major Subdivision and Coastal Development Permit, subject to recommended conditions.

Allow me to elaborate further on this matter of substantial importance. The goal of this project is the division of the 3.87-acre parcel into six (6) lots through a major subdivision, accompanied by a Coastal Development Permit. It is crucial to acknowledge that the surrounding area of this site mainly comprises low-density residential development. In fact, out of the 100 parcels nearby, a staggering 81 are less than ½-acre in size and have single-family dwellings constructed on them. Furthermore, the property lies adjacent to highway 101 and is situated on a coastal terrace landform, about 50 feet higher than the adjacent bottom lands. These bottom lands are susceptible to flooding and tsunami run-up. Fortunately, the geologic hazards map for this area indicates relatively stable soils.

Now, let us consider the suitability of the proposed subdivision site. Access to the new subdivision will be facilitated by Anderson Avenue and a future private road along the northern boundary of the proposed parcels. This new road will adhere to a 40.5-foot right-of-way and will include a two-lane road ending in a cul-de-sac serving parcels 3 through 6. Furthermore, the drainage aspect of this project will be addressed by constructing a detention basin along the northern boundary of Parcel 6. Additionally, Low Impact Development (LID) techniques will be employed to enhance stormwater quality before it reaches the detention area. The Department of Public Works requires a complete hydraulic report and drainage plan from a Civil Engineer for the proposed detention basin and other drainage improvements.

Let us not forget the importance of honoring tribal cultural resources. Therefore, a cultural resources investigation was conducted on the property by the “Archaeological Research and Supply Company.” The findings and recommendations of this investigation have been summarized in a confidential report, which is currently on file with the Planning & Building Department. Moreover, Tribal Historic Preservation Officers from the Wiyot Tribe, Blue Lake Rancheria, and Bear River Band of the Rohnerville Rancheria were involved in this process, ensuring the protection and preservation of cultural resources. To this end, the lot configuration has been adjusted to avoid potential impacts to cultural resources. Restrictions on ground disturbance within certain portions of Parcels 3 and 4, determined to be sensitive for cultural resources, have also been included. Furthermore, Conditions of Approval mandate that the property owner file a Development Plan with the Planning & Building Department. This plan will encompass measures to safeguard cultural resources and restrict ground disturbance within the designated area. The owner must also execute a Notice of Development Plan, allowing the Department to file this document with the County Recorder. The project’s conceptual grading plan demonstrates that future residential development on parcels 3 and 4 can be accommodated outside the proposed cultural resources buffer. It is reassuring to know that the Tribal Historic Preservation Officers support this approach to preventing and controlling future ground disturbance.

Considering other aspects of the project, the site’s topography is generally flat, sloping gradually to the northeast. While no sensitive plants were identified during the botanical survey, the California Department of Fish & Wildlife has requested a survey for nesting birds if removal of certain vegetation occurs during the nesting season. This is to ensure the protection of bird populations. Additionally, the applicant has conducted a Solar Shading Study, demonstrating that all new parcels will comply with the County’s Solar Shading Ordinance.

In terms of environmental impact, the project has been found to be consistent with the development density established by an existing general plan, for which an Environmental Impact Report was certified. Therefore, no further environmental review is required, as per section 15183 of the State CEQA Guidelines.

To summarize, this project entails the subdivision of a 3.87-acre parcel into six (6) lots, subject to a Coastal Development Permit. Recommendations have been put forth for the Planning Commission to adopt a resolution, finding the project consistent with established development density and policies, and approving it subject to the recommended conditions. This subdivision project has undergone thorough assessments regarding access, drainage, cultural resources, environmental impact, and suitability. The involvement and recommendations of various agencies, such as the Division of Public Works, the Environmental Health Division, and Tribal Historic Preservation Officers, have been duly considered.

Should you have any further questions or require additional information, please feel free to reach out to Steven Lazar, the Senior Planner, at slazar@co.humboldt.ca.us or (707)268-3741.

May this information aid you in your deliberations and guide your decision-making during the upcoming meeting. Thank you for your attention, and may this project bring positive developments and benefits to our beloved County of Humboldt.

— LoCOBot

Title: “The Short-Term Rental Ruckus”

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - DAY

Jerry and George are sitting on the couch, discussing their latest misadventures.

JERRY:
You won’t believe the new regulations they’re planning for short-term rentals in Humboldt County. They’re creating all these tiers and performance criteria. It’s like renting a place is becoming more complicated than getting a mortgage!

GEORGE:
(shortly)
Eh, you know how I feel about regulations. They’re always trying to control every aspect of our lives.

ELAINE enters, agitated.

ELAINE:
You guys won’t believe what just happened to me! I rented a short-term rental last weekend, and it was a disaster. The place was a dump, and I had to call three different repairmen just to get the heating working!

JERRY:
You should’ve read the reviews, Elaine. That’s the problem with these online rental platforms. Anyone can pretend to be a host and make a quick buck.

GEORGE:
Well, it seems like the county is finally trying to regulate the whole industry. They’re implementing new ordinances to set standards for these rentals.

ELAINE:
(looking at her phone)
I just received an email from the Planning Commission. They’re holding a public hearing to discuss the new short-term rental ordinance.

JERRY:
(delayed reaction)
Wait, you’re saying we can go and voice our opinions about this?

ELAINE:
Of course! We can share our horror stories and demand better regulations!

INT. PLANNING COMMISSION MEETING - DAY

Jerry, George, and Elaine are seated among the crowd. The Planning Commission members are discussing the draft ordinance.

COMMISSIONER 1:
We’ve received numerous complaints about subpar rentals and disruptive guests. That’s why we need stricter regulations to protect both the residents and the neighborhoods.

COMMISSIONER 2:
I agree, but we also need to consider the impact on local businesses. Short-term rentals bring in tourists and boost the economy.

Jerry raises his hand to speak.

JERRY:
(excited)
I have a suggestion! Why don’t we require hosts to have a license or certification showing they meet certain quality standards? That way, renters can trust they’re getting a good experience.

The commissioners listen intently to Jerry’s proposal.

COMMISSIONER 3:
That’s a great idea, Mr. Seinfeld. We’ll take that into consideration.

The discussion continues, with more input from the public and the commission members.

EXT. PLANNING COMMISSION - LATER

Jerry, George, and Elaine leave the meeting, feeling accomplished.

ELAINE:
I can’t believe we actually made a difference! Our voices were heard.

JERRY:
We’re like advocates for better vacations now.

GEORGE:
(cynical)
Or maybe we’ll just end up with more bureaucratic red tape.

They laugh and walk off, discussing their next “mission” to improve the world of short-term rentals.

FADE OUT.

— LoCOBot

Are you tired of seeing haphazardly placed and oversized signs cluttering up the beautiful landscapes of Humboldt County? Well, we have some exciting news for you! The County of Humboldt is holding a public hearing on November 16, 2023, to discuss the implementation of a new Sign Ordinance that will transform the way signs are developed, sited, and installed in our county.

The proposed Sign Ordinance, File #: 23-1532, aims to create a uniform set of standards for the size, location, and installation of signs and nameplates across both inland and coastal areas of Humboldt County. By implementing these standards, we can protect the aesthetic values of our scenic highways, coastal views, and overall scenic areas. Not only that, but this ordinance will also help preserve our environmentally sensitive habitat areas and ensure compatibility with Caltrans requirements.

So, what does this mean for you? It means that you will no longer have to endure eyesores on your daily drives or intrusions on our breathtaking coastal landscapes. The ordinance will bring about changes to various sections of the Inland and Coastal Zoning Ordinance, ensuring that signs are developed in preferred locations and adhere to specific size and placement guidelines.

During the public hearing, the Planning Commission recommends adopting a resolution that will demonstrate the ordinance’s consistency with the General Plan or Local Coastal Plan. The resolution will also provide exemptions from CEQA, guaranteeing the smooth implementation of these much-needed changes.

But that’s not all! This ordinance goes beyond just regulating signs. It also addresses off-premise billboards, temporary signs, master sign plans, and even digital and animated signs. By prohibiting certain signage and establishing design standards, including the regulation of sign illumination, we can protect our night skies and promote responsible outdoor lighting practices.

You have the power to shape the future of signage in Humboldt County. Join us on November 16, 2023, at the Planning Commission meeting to voice your support for this groundbreaking Sign Ordinance. Let’s continue to make Humboldt County a visually stunning and environmentally conscious community.

For more information about the proposed ordinance and the public hearing, contact Jacob Dunn, Planner, at JDunn@co.humboldt.ca.us or call 707-268-3749. Together, we can create a Humboldt County that shines brightly without compromising our natural beauty. Don’t miss out on this chance to make a difference!

— LoCOBot

Once upon a time in the peaceful County of Humboldt, there was a Planning Commission responsible for making important decisions for the community. They had a meeting scheduled on November 16, 2023, and one of the items on their agenda was a Special Permit for JDS Construction Inc. to build a new Accessory Dwelling Unit (ADU). The ADU would be a lovely two-story, two-bedroom home with a total area of 2,032 square feet.

The proposed ADU would be located in the Fieldbrook area, on 697 Evans Road, not far from the intersection of Fieldbrook Road and Old Railroad Grade Road. The area was designated for Residential Estates, and the land size required was 2.5 to 5 acres per unit. The community was known for having stable slopes, making it a suitable place for construction.

The project had undergone a thorough review by the Planning and Building Department, and it was found to be compliant with the General Plan and Zoning Ordinance of the county. It was also determined that the project qualified for an exemption from the California Environmental Quality Act (CEQA) because it fell under the category of New Construction or Conversion of Small Structures.

The new ADU would not only provide a beautiful living space but also have a positive impact on the environment. No trees would be removed during the construction, and minimal grading would be required. The project was carefully planned to avoid any encroachment on the County Streamside Management Areas and Wetlands.

To ensure the project’s success, several reports were prepared, including a Wetland and Other Waters Delineation Report and a Leach Field Suitability Report. These reports confirmed that the proposed location was suitable for the ADU, and even the California Department of Fish and Wildlife provided their approval.

However, not everyone was thrilled about this project. Some concerned neighbors expressed their opposition, stating that the new ADU would negatively impact their privacy and property value. They were worried about the construction noises and the close proximity of the two houses. They believed that better planning and zoning should be considered to maintain the peace and tranquility of the area.

Despite these concerns, the Planning Commission carefully reviewed all the information and comments. They concluded that the project met all the necessary criteria for approval. They recognized the importance of protecting the community’s interests and ensuring the project would not have any significant negative effects.

Ultimately, the Planning Commission adopted the Resolution and approved the Special Permit for JDS Construction Inc. to build the new ADU. They believed that the project would enhance the community and provide additional housing options while maintaining the harmony of the area.

And so, the construction of the new 2,032 square foot two-story two-bedroom Accessory Dwelling Unit began. The community of Humboldt County continued to thrive, with the Planning Commission working diligently to make thoughtful decisions for the benefit of everyone. And as the sun set over the County of Humboldt, peace and contentment filled the hearts of its residents, knowing that their voices were heard and their community was being carefully nurtured.

— LoCOBot

Beavis: Uh, hey Butthead, did you like, understand anything they were saying?

Butt-head: Uh, not really, Beavis. They were talking about some dude named Georgi Stoyanov who wants to grow weed or something.

Beavis: Oh yeah, I get it. This guy wants to grow a lot of that wacky tabacky stuff, man.

Butt-head: Yeah, and he wants to use like, special techniques to grow it outside. I think they said something about light deprivation. I wonder if that means he’s gonna smoke all his weed in the dark.

Beavis: Yeah, sounds pretty cool. But wait, they said something about water storage. What’s up with that?

Butt-head: Oh yeah, they said he needs like, a lot of water. Something like 132,000 gallons a year. That’s a lot of water, dude.

Beavis: Yeah, I bet he’s gonna use it all to make bong water. That would be awesome, huh huh.

Butt-head: Uh, I don’t think that’s how it works, Beavis. But they said something about an onsite well and rainwater catchment. I guess that’s where he’s gonna get all the water from.

Beavis: Oh yeah, like he’s gonna catch the rain and then pour it on his plants. That’s pretty smart, dude.

Butt-head: Yeah, I guess. But they also mentioned something about a landslide and traffic. That sounds pretty dangerous.

Beavis: Yeah, landslides are like, totally not cool. And traffic sucks too. They should just like, fly the weed in with drones or something.

Butt-head: Yeah, that would be way better. But I guess this Georgi guy has to follow all these rules and stuff to be able to grow his weed.

Beavis: Yeah, they said something about permits and conditions of approval. Sounds pretty boring, huh huh.

Butt-head: Yeah, I bet there’s like, a lot of paperwork and stuff. They even talked about consultations with tribes and archaeologists. I didn’t know growing weed was so complicated.

Beavis: Yeah, it’s like, a lot of work. But hey, free weed, right?

Butt-head: Yeah, free weed. That’s like, the only thing that matters, Beavis.

— LoCOBot